So much for posting every day like I planned.  Whoops. Discipline, my biggest struggle.  Well, one of them anyway.  One of many.  Like saying no to the chocolate chip cookie cake ~ yeah, that didn't happen.  Had to break it up in pieces, and by that I mean mutilate it, and get rid of it.  The sad thing is I wasn't even hungry, but it was there, I knew it was there, and I couldn't resist.  And then I complain about my weight . . .yeah, that's me. 

I wish I could remember the brilliant post I wrote in my head on my drive to work the other day.  I remember thinking, this is good stuff.  But it's long gone now, crap.  I think it may have had something to do with acceptance, my nemesis.  You would think by now I would know myself, my limits, my heart.  But so often I still don't know my own identity.  I still strive for, feel depressed about, fight to change things that just are, waste energy on that which I need to once and for all let go of.  That's my prayer for today, and for many days to come.  I just want to be the one God wants to me, the best me, the best mom to my kids.  I want my energy where you want it God, I want energy to do what you need me to do! 

New Year - time to get writing

Forgive me all, it has been, let's see, that would be 6 years since my last post - yikes!!  When I began this blog all those years ago my intention was to capture all the cute, funny, irritating, obstinate, goofy, et al antics of our then one little one, Noah.  I failed miserably.  I'm going to play the same card Matt and I do with the kids when we are forgetful, lazy, tired, etc.: I'm old.  And by old I mean, old to have little ones, and, well, it just sounds better than lazy, tired, and forgetful.  But before you think I'm dissing (yes, I just wrote that) old age, I'm just talking about managing the energy level of the little ones.  Old is a great thing, and can bring wisdom, peace, maturity, humility and appreciation.So from now on I will modify my usual response of "you shouldn't have picked old parents" with "you shouldn't have picked old and wise parents."  But, as typical when I write, journal, "blog" (not that I'm an expert~uhh, yeah, I did start this with the whole I've sucked as a blogger confession), I digress . . .

I want to get this blog moving again so I have a forum to capture memories of my amazing family.  I so easily forget those joyful moments that make us laugh and I don't want to lose those.  And I also need to write; I forgot how much I need this outlet.  How much I need a place where it isn't about the grammar, the eloquence or precision, it's just about the story, about sharing.  So . . .that's a very long way of stating: I'm back.

Hopefully, as I start blogging, more of the stories I've forgotten will come back to me. Here are a few that come to mind:

**Noah teaching Ellie math:
N: Okay, Ellie, what is 5 plus 5?
E: One?
N: no
E: 2? N: no
E: 3? N: no, etc. all the way to 10 at which time Noah said, "Yes, great job. Now, what is 5 plus 5?"
E: 1 no, 2 no, 3 no, 4 no . . .

At Buffalo Grove Days with mom and Howard, painting flower paints.  Howard to Noah: great job, you are quite an artiste!  Noah to Howard:  In Michigan, we call them artists.

Noah, our dramatic one, feeling upset and tired.  "I'm not good at anything, I can't even ride a bike.  Well, Brennen tried to teach me today.  I almost did it, and I almost killed myself.  I was closer to killing myself."**

I will also use this forum to share my struggles with speaking life and living fully and joyfully in the moment.  I have been undeservedly blessed and yet, as many of us do, I obsess about all I don't have, don't do, want, and hurt about along with what others do have/have accomplished. . .My prayer for today, and for every day is "God help me have a thankful and grateful spirit, to "raise my thoughts a little higher, use my words to inspire" and to not measure my value, the value of my accomplishments, or those of my family, by comparing it to others.  Give me the energy, the strength, the passion to be what you have called me to be, to accept your grace and mercy.  Help me to choose forgiveness, joy and compassion~more of you and less of me!  And Thank You for my family, for the kids who will mortified to know I'm writing all our stuff down for posterity!  Thank you for the love, joy, laughter, tears, hugs, craziness, trials and tribulations to come."

Happy New Year!  And if all goes as planned, you will be hearing from me again shortly . . .